Case Study: Curiosity & Clarification
I recently had a tense conversation with a family member. Even with all the training in the world, coaches are still human. What triggered us in the past can continue to trigger us now. As I noticed my escalating frustration, I considered how I could use my coaching skills to move the conversation forward.
Here are reflections on the tools that I used to have a more productive conversation and how they play into coaching sessions:
Curiosity
I believe that most people are naturally curious. However, that curiosity is often overshadowed by an assumption that we know better, often rushing to give advice. Generally speaking, coaches approach their work with curiosity rather than assumption, inquiry rather than judgment. By hearing deeply, being non-judgmental, and responding with openness and curiosity to what the client is sharing, coaches partner with their clients to shift the dynamic of the conversation. The client is given space to do the work of sharing, reflecting, and processing without the fear of judgment or misunderstanding.
In my case, I allowed my curiosity to take center stage. What was the core issue of this conversation? What would I miss by allowing my judgement to come before my curiosity?
Clarification
It is extremely important that coaches continuously check-in with clients to make sure that they fully understand the words they’re using, the thoughts they’re sharing, and the direction they want to take their conversations. Words and phrases can mean different things to each of us and coaches cannot assume that they know what a client means. Coaches and clients must partner to confirm shared understanding.
During my conversation with my family member, I found myself consistently clarifying what I was hearing. Assuming that I knew what this person meant would not help either of us and seeking their feedback in the moment diffused what could have been a much more heated exchange.
Because of these tools, my family member and I had a powerful conversation that resulted in specific steps that we could each take moving forward. To be clear, this was not easy. Personal relationships are not like coaching relationships and long-held emotions can make conversations with loved ones particularly messy. I was not actively coaching my family member, but was instead relying on my coaching skills to ensure that they felt seen, acknowledged, and understood in a difficult conversation. Never be afraid to make sure that you understand what someone is saying. Give them the opportunity to truly be heard and you may realize how much you've been missing.